Not Your Mothers Playground

A recent okCupid email

samantha — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 05:39:21 +0000

This made me laugh and perhaps if I wasn’t 51% enemy with this fella I’d give him a chance.

I find you somewhat attractive but not overbearingly. Previous experience and current state of affairs indicate that you will feel the same way about me. But still, ritual requires that we continue with a number of platonic activities before we have sex. I would not mind proceeding with such activities, but in point of actual fact, all I really want to do is have intercourse with you as soon as possible.

Do YOU want to move the couch?

samantha — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 01:02:43 +0000

Steph just looked at me and asked “Do you think we should move the couch over? It’s covering up the vent.”

I replied: “Nah, I think it’s ok?”

He replied, in a snarky, condescending voice: “Well that’s the only vent on this floor so keeping it covered doesn’t make any sense. Right?”

To which I then replied … suddenly being hit over the head with a realization bat:

“Listen. You obviously think it makes more sense to move the couch a few inches off the vent, so why don’t you just go ahead and do that? *I* would do that, and I wouldn’t ask you. It’s not fair that you ask me, having already made up your mind and then when I don’t answer like you want, you talk to me like I’m a big idiot. If you want to do something, do it! Not everything needs to flow through me. That is not cool!”

He looked at me, and without blinking …

“You’re right. That’s totally not fair.”

And suddenly a huge issue in our relationship has been recognized by both of us. The onus is always on me to make a decision, big or small and that’s super annoying. I make enough decisions all the time and he doesn’t have to agree with mine, so I shouldn’t have to always agree with his, but who knows … maybe I will if he gives me a chance.

And y’know what … moving the couch over is actually a good idea. I just needed 30 seconds to think about it.

Your Help Needed!

samantha — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 18:46:42 +0000

Hey all,

I’ve been on holiday for a while, but now I’m back in full force, looking for your help. This week I’m working on my publishing proposal. What I want to include is why my book “Not Your Mother’s Playground: A Guide to Open Relationship for Modern Folk” is going to be relevant. Do you want to read it? Do you like the angle of a guide book with personal stories included? (It’s really a more detailed version of this blog, in case you’re wondering.)

If you have anything positive that I can include in my proposal, even if it’s just a “Can’t wait to read it!”, please leave it in the comments on this post.

Thanks so much!
Samantha

Parachute

samantha — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 17:26:35 +0000

Something I’ve realized lately: I don’t want to be anyone’s escape relationship. It makes me feel icky and kinda’ sad.

In 2007 when I was dating the sous-chef, I know now that he was a total escape for me. Only 8 months into being open, Steph and I didn’t really know what we were doing – as only experience can bring complete knowledge – so rather than talking about some issues, or even knowing they existed, I threw myself head first into my secondary relationship, which eventually scared him off. WAY off.

Thinking about it now I totally get the chef’s side. Knowing that someone enjoys being with me because we’re “easy” isn’t enough. I want to know that I’m awesome to them just as I am, not when held up against current or past relationships. Comparison is natural, we all do it, but I’m a big advocate of enjoying something for what it is, not because it is what something else isn’t.

I completely understand comparison dating. Non-monogamy allows us to find people that might be different then our current partner, should we have one. Husband doesn’t spank you? Find someone that does. Girlfriend won’t go to the game with you? Find someone that does.

Enjoy them for what they bring to you, but don’t treat them as your escape route because when the other person can see through it; well it’s just not very fun to be a parachute.

Relationships are HARD, yo!

samantha — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 16:59:44 +0000

It’s true. Relationships ARE hard … um, yo. It doesn’t matter if you’re dating or married or long-distance, dealing with another person (or people) while trying to live one life together with different personalities can be really, really challenging. Whether you love/fuck other people or remain monogamous, the grass can often appear so much greener on any other side compared to the one you’re on.

But is it really?

Complaining about our relationships is easy. Outside of our jobs, where we live or where we’re from, we are defined by them. When our situation isn’t fulfilling our every desire we bash it. We dis the relationship and the other person or people involved. Hopefully not behind their backs as that never solves anything, but complaining is often our natural instinct. Human nature is to focus on the bad first instead of the good. Think about gossiping with your friends. Most people share the dirt before they get to the “Oh yay, what great news!”

It’s tough when you’re in a long-term relationship to keep that spark alive. Our lives become a business with finances to deal with. Events to schedule. Houses to clean and laundry to wash. There is always something to do and it can be so easy to gravitate to the to-do list instead of romance, a date or even a quick fuck. Or towards someone else with whom you don’t have to do any household business with, besides getting busy.

We tend to forget that those we love are also our lovers. That they feel and dream and want just as we do. And the biggest trap that we can fall into? When we become the same person, ignoring our own and each other’s individuality.

It happened to Steph and I during the first 6 years of our relationship. We had become this amazing marital unit, wanting the same things and doing everything together. On paper it seemed great: each other’s “better half”. I don’t want to be in a relationship with half a person though, and I certainly don’t want to be known as just a half myself. As we opened up and discovered new personal identities, it was very challenging to accept that we had opinions that occasionally differed from each other’s.

Used to loving all the same things, or thinking we did because we had become complacent, we quickly realized that we each dealt with polyamory differently. I wasn’t as easy-going as he was. He wasn’t into the same things that I was. How could this be?? It didn’t make any sense to us at first or quite a long time after we first opened up. If I was feeling unloved, or my feelings hurt he didn’t understand. He wouldn’t feel that way if the roles were reversed, so obviously there was something wrong with me. And when he didn’t have the same slutty urges that I had, well obviously there was something wrong with him.

The shoe would never even fit on the other foot, never mind being good to walk a mile in.

We’d have to talk, and talk and talk. Then when we were done talking, we’d talk some more. This is what I mean by hard work. Talking is exhausting. Communicating your feelings, while listening and hearing someone else’s is tough. There is 100% no getting around that. Personally, I love it. Having a strong connection with someone because we’re able to push through issues and have intense, deep and challenging chats kinda’ gets my brain off. That might not be the case for you, but if you’re in an open relationship you’ve probably got no choice.

Here are some quick tips for relationship communication that can apply to anyone, non-monogamous or not:

Just because you like the same sushi place doesn’t mean you’re going to react the same way to things. YOU ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON!
It’s 100% ok for you to feel something that your partner doesn’t. And if your partner feels something and you don’t understand it, you don’t have to. All you need to do is acknowledge them. Let them know you support them feeling whatever it is they’re going through and do your best to help them deal with it.
On that note, ask how you can help. What might work to fix something for you could be completely different for them. Perhaps they don’t even want to fix it. I know that one might be weird to you fixers out there. Some of us are ok with being broken as long as we know we have a soft place to fall. Be that soft place!
Do not make the other person feel like an asshole for not being as emotionally strong as you are, or for needing more romance in their life than you do. You have different brain make-up. Don’t blame me, blame science!
Don’t whine about your needs. Understand that your partner is different and will do better if you explain it from your perspective without blaming them.
Support each other and try to learn: You might not get it at first, or at second … fuck, you might never get it, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Using the “we’re not the same person” explanation is definitely not an excuse to not try to grow with your partner.
If you say something, mean it. Your lover has every right to take the words from your mouth to be truth. If you don’t mean what you say, faking it will get you nowhere.

And finally for everyone’s sake, do not shut down. Accept the fact that communication is hard and suck it the hell up. I’m not saying you can’t have a successful-ish relationship without talking through your issues, but if they’re issues that really bother you, ignoring them or giving up isn’t going to make them go away. If you’ve convinced yourself that it doesn’t matter, then hey, more power to you (I guess?), but if you truly do want to fix them, then talking is kind of the only real way to do so. Once you get over that fact you might start to enjoy it.

Who knows? Maybe the conversations you have will make you both strive harder to find a solution or a common ground that works for all. A little bit of hard work can go one helluva long way and the rewards can be huge. A couple of years of intense chats later and Steph and I rarely need to have them anymore!

Which is good ‘cos really … relationships are hard, yo!

Go Deep

samantha — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 16:35:41 +0000

Think back to the last time you sat next to a stranger on a plane and started up a conversation. What did you talk about? Was it minor chitchat—small talk about the weather or the in-flight movie? Or did you dig deeper, into problems you were having with your fiancé’s family or a sticky situation at work? Which type of conversation do you think would be linked to your happiness?

Read the full article here.

Lights, Camera, An extra 10 pounds!

samantha — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 16:06:21 +0000

It has been a busy week and a half for Steph and I. On Sunday, May 30th we did an extra bit of filming for the documentary on modern marriage that we’re going to be in, I believe airing on CBC’s Doc Zone (next year sometime?), and last night we were interviewed for local sex show, Sex Matters.

When the documentary crew showed up on Sunday – as we’ve already done our interview with them – they wanted to film us making food to get some filler bits. Talk about the most surreal 20 minutes of our lives, making dinner together in our terrible layout of a kitchen, an activity we rarely do because there’s just not enough room and it drives me batty! There we were though, making a pasta dish and talking amongst ourselves with three people, a massive camera and a light surrounding us. It was like improv, regular conversation. I was very conscious of everything I was saying, while trying to act perfectly normal at the same time. As we were cooking Steph made a random joke. and nobody laughed. It was a fantastic joke and the room remained quiet. How. Very. Strange.

Then last night, Cynthia Loyst from Sex Matters and her cameraman Jeff came over to ask Steph and I questions about our relationship – its history and how we really feel about fucking other people. Strangely, more nerve wracking than the questions were the extra bits where they filmed us making drinks in the kitchen and playing with the kitty – a real cat, you pervs – on the couch. It was a great experience and, while Steph probably won’t watch it, I can’t wait to check it out when its aired on the show. (Though I will cringe at my flabby bits and weird voice.)

A few years ago I never thought things like this would be possible. When I was interviewed for the National Post in October 2008 and consequently heard Jian Gomeshi saying my name on CBC’s Radio Q afterward, it was all very surreal. Watching my blog posts spike on that day blew my mind! I couldn’t believe that people were interested in hearing or reading about me!

Sure I grew up thinking about being ‘famous’. At that time I wanted to be a singer. It was the 90′s and Sarah McLachlan, Holly McNarland and Jann Arden were my inspirations. I even visited a recording studio when I was 16 to see what I needed to do. The staff there were very gracious at indulging my fantasies. Which is funny now as it seems you have to be 16 to get a record deal. Singing obviously didn’t pan out, possibly because I didn’t try though. Always a crucial step … actually doing the thing you want to do!

Now, at age 30, I have aspirations of a published book and hopefully speaking engagements; but this has nothing to do with fame or fortune. It just feels like the right thing to do. I don’t know if I’ll fail or succeed at this point; of course I want to succeed – it’s why I quit my job to pursue this goal of mine, but more importantly I want to help other people find their voice. The most rewarding thing for me during this entire process of blogging the past few years has been the comments and emails I’ve received from you. You’ve told me how I’ve said what you’ve always been thinking and helped you put it into words. Or how you live in a small town and felt like an outsider for choosing this lifestyle when everyone else is married by 21, pregnant by 22.

I’m writing this book and this blog for you; because when we first opened up, a mere 3.5 years ago, so much of the literature out there was hippy dippy flowers and bunnies. Non-monogamy was thriving on the internet, but in very fringe groups. Nowadays I can be on Twitter with complete traditionalists, discussing polyamory and it’s all pretty normal. I’ll admit it, I’m very lucky. I’ve only lost a couple of friends due to my lifestyle, our families just laugh at us but don’t mind and I’m married to a pretty amazingly laid back guy who’s been ok with me doing a lot of shit the past few years.

Being on camera is certainly nerve-wracking. I’m much better at writing than I am talking as conversations don’t come with editing time – none that I have control over anyway. My introduction to BDSM a few years back with Harvey certainly helped me to become more confident though, so I don’t mind a few nervous moments like I used to. And talking about our relationship on camera always makes Steph and I feel pretty damn smart. We come out of it slightly amazed at ourselves for talking about such a complicated lifestyle with an ease and grace that we forget we have. We’re so used to talking to each other about it that it’s a bit strange to discover we can talk to others too. And while he’s always hesitant about the camera – I am too, after they leave when I suddenly think “Holy shit, THAT just happened!” – his confidence booms when he realizes that hey, despite some break-ups and fuck-ups, we’re pretty good at this open relationship thing. Goooo team!

The self-preserver in you might be wondering “How can you just talk about your sex life? Shouldn’t that be sacred and intimate and private?”. To some, sure it is, but does it really matter to me if people know I masturbate? Does it matter that people know I sometimes crave being with women? Or that I can get off on being told what to do, and sometimes slapped and choked?

*Not one bit. Most of us have sex with someone else or at least ourselves. We think dirty thoughts about other people or objects or situations. We’ve sexted, or had phone sex, or even sent a racy picture to someone. Everyone’s level of naughty is different; and for some theirs never sees the light of day as they are forced – or choose – to suppress it, but we all have it. If I can talk about a topic that many people get embarrassed to discuss, I’m happy to help break down that societal taboo.

Mainly though, when I’m asked what does embarrass me … it’s seeing my weird crooked smile or fat ass on camera. Can’t the lens take away 40 lbs?? Does it really have to add 10??

Sabotage, I say!

—————————————————————-——
*I will admit; when friends or family bring up something they’ve read on my blog, I blush. It’s weird, I know but I only have control of what I put out there, not of who reads it. I like that I can still be embarrassed a little!

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Realizations: He IS In The Moment (ish)

samantha — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 19:42:39 +0000

I always fool myself into thinking that after the last epic conversation that Steph and I have, there won’t be anymore.

And every time I do that, I’m wrong.

Last weeks’ chat was a big one, and the focus was on sharing. Not of lovers, or bathroom time, but of our thoughts; what we’re thinking at any given moment. Over the years of being open I’ve found myself drawn to people who comment on the things they observe in life. Sometimes, like Don, they have amazing powers of observation and memory retention – (though I’m sure not always in his home life!!) and make me feel on top of the world by saying something they’ve noticed, or intuitively knowing the next move.I’ve also seen first hand how others can react as Harvey once was taken aback and truly complimented when he understood how well I really knew him just by a few words that I said.

Sharing observations and thoughts about those around you and the world is important to me and it’s often gotten me down when Steph doesn’t do it. He appears to often live in a dum dee dum world, not being aware of the people around him. Turns out that isn’t the case, but there’s an absolute disconnect in what he’s thinking and what he puts out there.This is where I might start to sound like a whiny girl, so please just go along for the ride.

Steph’s pretty good at telling me; if I’ve fixed myself up and we’re heading out, “You look great tonight.” which is always appreciated. I’m very aware that there are other people who never hear those words from their partners so I am grateful for it. However … what I’d love to hear, and do hear from others, is all the in-between the compliments thoughts.

The private thoughts to himself where he might notice the softness of my skin, or the fullness of my lips. Those moments where he’s slightly taken aback by something that he loves about me. Something that, unless he actually says so, I’ll never know he’s thinking.

You’d assume that being with someone for so long, I would know when he’s thinking this stuff, but as he’s always kept his observations to himself, unless prompted, I’m often in the dark. I’m a big “enjoyer of moments” and it sometimes makes me sad when I think that he either isn’t or just doesn’t know how to express his feelings about them.

But we’re working on it!

The other thing that came up was his restlessness. We were sitting in the backyard, enjoying dinner and then suddenly like that … he was done. He gobbles up his food like nobody’s business where as I take a cue from my English roots and like to savor my food and time, content for my food to get cold. Once he’s finished though, his eyes start moving around, scanning the area anxiously and it stresses me out. Rather than just sitting there and being in that moment, he’s admitted to overanalyzing what to do next. “What should I do? What should I say?” It comes across in his facial expressions so much that I end up getting cranky; annoyed that we couldn’t just “be”.

Rather than worry about saying the right thing, or even saying anything at all, Steph knows now that I am perfectly content with silence sometimes. Or walking with no destination. (He’s always been anti-walking unless he’s got somewhere to go.) We don’t have to be doing anything important, sometimes just doing nothing is enough.

Other times we’ll want to do our own thing, and that’s cool too. We might both want to veg and be in our own heads. There’s nothing wrong with doing nothing separately, together. But if it’s happening because he’s stressing himself out about doing the wrong thing and then giving up because he can’t decide, that’s when I have a problem.

So at the end of the chat, which lasted off and on through out the day, we both had some things to work on. He’s going to try and be more proactive and tell me his thoughts. Even if he’s thinking some weird visual observation about his environment that will likely bore me. And I’m going to try to not be so bored … when he does because it’s practice for when he tells me other stuff.

Like … “Damn woman, bring that ass over here!”

Or, y’know … whatever.

I’m Not Unemployed … I’m a "Writer"

samantha — Thu, 20 May 2010 20:06:35 +0000

Yes, that’s soon what I will be saying as June 2nd is my last official day at Interactive Ontario. 8 months ago I would have been over the moon to be leaving, regardless of having any other plans, but now this departure is bitter sweet. The organization has improved, and I have realized where my talents in event management / design and general awesomeness lie. Contrary to what I thought I would ever say though I am now open to working part-time with IO to do design / event management work in the future, or even occasionally while I’m doing other stuff, but for now? It’s time to follow my passion.

What is that passion? To finish writing Not Your Mother’s Playground: A Guide to Open Relationships for Everyday Folk. I’m about 140 pages in and have about 160 to go. As of right now, I don’t have a publisher, but I’m really hoping that as soon as I finish my publishing package (thanks Jenny Block for recommendations on how to complete this), I’ll be on my way to a book in hand. (And hopefully book signings with you lovely folk!!)

Why am I leaving a full time job to write a book?? Well, it’s been something I’ve wanted to pursue for so long. This thing has been in the works for over two years but I’ve been so mentally exhausted so often at my job that I haven’t been able to devote the writing, research and interviewing time to it that it so rightly deserves.

The point of the book is to guide regular people through not only open relationships, but regular ones as well. Using my personal relationship as an example (along with interviews with other couples), it’s meant to be a “Pick up and play” type book that anyone can read and gain insight from. My inspiration originally came from first opening up, almost 4 years ago, and discovering that all of the books out there, like The Ethical Slut, didn’t really speak to the modern couple / single exploring polyamory. They were written for hippies and people that believed that life is all flowers and bunnies, which is not the angle I’m taking.

I’m writing about things that you’ve probably seen in the blog. How not sending a text message can fuck things up. How breakups can go very badly. And also how things can be super awesome the very next day. Somehow Steph and I have made this work, and I want to share my experiences, not as an expert, but as a kindred spirit traveling the same journey that many of you are on.

The other books I HAVE read and love include Jenny Block’s: Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage and of course Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. I love both of these books and the women behind them are great souls who have been ever so kind to me on my journey. Jenny’s book reads as a biography with some tips and guide pieces thrown into it, and Tristan’s book is an excellent compliment featuring hundreds of interviews and in-depth discussions with couples exploring their own versions of open relationships.

Not Your Mother’s Playground is going to find itself somewhere in the middle. I want to tell my story to make the words that I write relevant, but I also want to take time this summer and get YOUR story which is why you should look for my calls for submissions that will be coming out! Leaving my job allows me to spend more time discussing not only my story but yours as well, and I hope you’ll join me on this journey. EAVB_ZILOAFZNXY

In addition to the book writing, I’m also looking into planning a sex and relationship conference in early summer of 2011. Event planning is an absolute passion of mine, and I’ll go as far to say I rocked the shit out of www.inplay2010.com the last couple of days. I want this event to be more than just a polyamory convention, or a sex show. I want great minds to come together and discuss modern communication, marriage, dating, swinging, kink, polyamory and so much more. A conference that invites all in and doesn’t focus on one specific type of relationship / sexual practice.

So … in a nutshell, that’s what’s up with me. I hope you’re as excited to read the book as I am to share it with you. If you happen to know a publisher that you can hook me up with? I’ll never say no to that offer. And if you’d like to contribute to either NYMP, the book or the conference next year (currently unnamed), you can email me at frasersamantha@gmail.com.

Kisses, hugs & licks.
Samantha

Through My Looking Glass

samantha — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 04:16:51 +0000

It’s been a while since I turned the mirror on myself for a little self-examination and I think I’m overdue so here goes.

Most of you already know. I’ve been in an open marriage for 3.5 years and it probably saved my relationship, or at the very least saved from a life of denying that I was unhappy when it truth I must have been when I think of how ridiculously happy I am now. (I mean it only makes sense!)I’ve gone from severe sluttery to love to brief BDSM relationships and back again. I’ve fallen in love at various levels on multiple occasions. I’ve drunkenly slept with friends, I’ve had strangers tie me up, I’ve been the crazy girl that’s been probably rightfully dumped and I’ve given so much of myself that I’ve lost focus and didn’t treat everyone as well as I could’ve. When I look back, it’s easy to skim over the memories, but holy shit it freaks me out when I really think about the past few years.

When I fell for the sous chef in 2007, I fell crazy hard. He was the first guy to affect me emotionally in a serious way. Looking back, it was the craziest lust I’d ever felt up to that point, but we were pushed into it … he didn’t own a couch. Lying down was the only option!! When he called things off, I went um, slightly off the deep end. In our relationship I had become the crazy one. My first official open marriage break-up and my brain imploded. I’d had no training for that, I was a total newb! It’s totally embarrassing when I look back on it.

Even after my first breakup the second big one with the Kids hit me really hard. There’s nothing like being helpless as someone tells you of their decision to change your life’s direction. Trying to hold it together at home as a wife while feeling like a freshly dumped single person is challenging beyond belief.

Luckily, there haven’t really been too many heartaches in our house. We’ve had some challenges, some situations that worked out not in our favor, and some people who have left our lives as quickly as they’ve come in but not with animosity. Or at least, not much.

Strangely, my longest relationship this entire time has been with Harvey. He’s cheating. I’m open. He’s a liar. I tell the truth so much I get myself in trouble. I have no excuse and neither does he, but I’m content with it because he means a lot to me.

And then there’s the current crew, and they’re not going anywhere. The Drapers are the “Forever” that the Kids never stood a chance at being. While it’s been an occasionally tumultuous year and a bit, my love for the two of them is constantly growing. And it seems that everyone’s individual relationships within the dynamic of the four of us are strengthening too, which is fantastic and lately we’ve had more individual dates. I don’t know if we’ll partake in any group nakedness again, or girl + girl, but I don’t worry about them not being around for a long time to come so who knows. As for other peeps, Kitty might not always be in my bedroom, but she’s a dear friend and kindred spirit for life. And the same goes for the rest of the crew. You know who you are.

Sadly there are some relationships that didn’t work out this year already. Some people I had hopes for getting closer with / sharing polyamory stories / sometime sharing beds with didn’t like me as I’d wished. Or did, but I fucked it up. Or maybe they do and I didn’t, but I’m too dumb to figure it all out so it’s gone in a completely different direction than I had hoped. I really don’t know, to be honest.

Such is life. I can only talk about it so much before I talk myself into a deep underground grave.

I think I’ve gotten a handle on it all now though, kind of. Steph and I are amazing. We deal with jealousy and time management with a lot more ease than when we first started. Our sex life has improved by a mile and we understand each other now. I mean, really understand each other.

When I look back at myself over the past few years, I know I’ve been the same person all the way through; I’m just so much more complete now. I’ve realized now how important it is to be with people who either aren’t newbs to the whole situation OR to have extra patience with those that are, if I want to be with them for any length of time.

If I look at my reflection in the looking glass now, I hope that it finally shows a woman who loves as much as she can, is one helluva dirty bitch, and is worth knowing, even if just a little or just for a while.