It all started as an accident.
My husband and I were married and, for the most part, happy. We got married pretty young; I was 24 and he was 27, but we didn’t feel trapped. Well not too trapped at least. I could go on about that, but I’ll leave it to your imagination.
When the laws were announced that swinging clubs were legal in Toronto we talked about the idea of going while we watched the news one evening. We’d already had a couple of summer parties that had turned into drunken, spin-the-bottle messes, so we knew we liked the idea of experimenting, if only a little. Selling ourselves as a sexy couple in a swingers club was far beyond our confidence levels however, so it never came to fruition — even though we talked it to death.
Then one afternoon while I was working my mid 20’s life crisis job at Starbucks, a note was dropped off by a customer with my name on it.
It had a few paragraphs in it but to sum it up basically said: “I know you’re married but if you want to know what you’re doing to me on this side of the bar, email me.”
So I told my husband that evening and for whatever reason, he was complimented that someone wanted his wife. A male ego boost, perhaps? We had a weekend of great sex and rented a movie about group sex called The Cabin Movie. (the story goes badly in the film so perhaps it wasn’t the best choice, but we were young and foolish at the time and just wanted to see naked people branching out.)
Cut ahead a few weeks and we’re talking non-stop about open relationships. We’ve learned the term ‘polyamory’ by reading about it, probably in something like The Ethical Slut. Non-monogamy is a concept we’d never really thought of, outside of the swinging clubs. After it’s agreed that I’m going to flirt back with the Starbucks customer, nicknamed “The Professor”, I have my first experience being with someone new, outside of my marriage and my husband was really supportive. We decide to both get an online dating account in the “intimate encounters” section and a few weeks later each have our own fuck date. Knowing we were both doing it at the same time was such a sexy thought for both of us.
At first, fucking was all it was about. The concept of dating was something we were reading about in books but we were so horny to start with that it didn’t matter. Fucking other people and then coming home to be with each other was so exciting that it was enough for us. Then we met another couple in an open relationship and developed a friendship with them. The guy told us of how he dated people and the concept really blew our minds when seeing it out of the books and into reality. You see, we were total newbies to all of this when we first started, not like a lot of people I know now who have been familiar with the concept of non-monogamy for years before they tried it. When our friend explained to us that he became boyfriend-ish with girls he was seeing, sometimes not even fucking them, it really opened our eyes and we were impressed.
We became much closer with them and ended up having a really intimate relationship for quite a few months. The wife in the couple was often joining us for threesomes and in between it all I was dating a bunch of new guys and Steph had another girl on the side. The first few months were definitely crazy, sexy, cool.
Over the past four years we’ve been through a lot on our journey. I fell in love for the first time with someone else. A couple of months later … I had my first breakup. Yes, they were connected. Having a husband to support you after your boyfriend dumps your ass is an odd feeling, to say the least. It might be a common occurrence in the poly community but we’ve always remained slightly more mainstream and unaware of these situations until they’ve smacked us in the face.
We’ve dealt with group sex, jealousy, breakups, BDSM, dating single people, married people, young people, and monogamous people. Our time being open has brought us closer than ever before, given us more confidence as a couple, tested our personal stability and opened us up to so many new ideas, people, and ways of life than we knew existed. Being poly has helped me with my dream of writing a book as now I’m able to write what I know and share it with people as I go along on my blog as well. Had we remained the married, home renovating and boring couple that we were, neither of our personalities would have ever blossomed as they’ve been able to and I believe that down to the depths of my soul.
Poly isn’t always easy as it takes time and experiences to learn how you really feel about situations and also to train your brain to deal with the unpleasantries that come up such as jealousy and insecurity. Like with other parts of your body, the section of the brain that deals with these negative emotions needs to stay in shape and sometimes it’s not and things that were once easy, sexy and fun become hard again, or hard for the very first time. While our marriage gets stronger all the time, each day still brings its own unique challenges and we are constantly working hard to stay on top of them and be happy.
I may not have known what it was when we started and I may not always like what it is as we go along but at the end of the day, polyamory has helped me to become the person I am today and I wouldn’t change it for the world.