Allow me to explain.

No doubt about it, singlehood can definitely be tough. It’s hard to put yourself out there in the dating world amongst all the crazies, captains of rejection and beautiful people. The conversations I have with my single friends about the boys or girls they’re dating reminds me of how easy it is to become caught up in the moment and invest all your thoughts on just one human, hoping that things might work out. Being in an open marriage does let me enjoy the fun parts of being single, while still having someone lovely to crawl into bed with, most nights. However, what often goes unsaid is how easy it is to become disposable in my situation.

95 % of people I date become or remain my friends after our time together. As my friends, I have an interest in seeing them happy. Unfortunately for me, sometimes their happiness means that our relationship reverts back to friend status pretty quickly if they meet someone else they want to spend time with instead. Yes yes, I know, poor me. I have to only fuck my husband sometimes. Boo freaking hoo.

In reality, as happy as I am to be with him – and getting happier by the day, I might add – , the relationships that I have with other people all have their own separate existence to me. In some ways, when I am dealing with other people I am single, albeit a skewed version of the term. So when I’m dismissed for someone else without much notice, it still hurts. When people assume that it’s not a big deal to cancel or change plans with me because I’m already married, it’s still really annoying. When I’m getting excited to get a little freaky with someone and then it just fizzles out – *poof* – well, it can sometimes take the wind out of my sails.

I’m sure it’s somewhat freeing to be a single person dating / fucking / talking to someone in a poly relationship with one primary partner. You get all of the fun, without any of the relationship burden. You can just leave when things get rough, or when someone else comes along. Unlike regular “single and dating” relationships, you can end or put things on hold, much faster, because you know the other person’s already “taken care of”, so any of that guilt that might come with wanting to date someone else, potentially doesn’t even exist. Even if things get intense, and you become close, there’s that security of knowing you don’t have to worry about the future, long-term plans and all that.

On my side, that is also one of the great things about dating other people whilst being married. You really get to enjoy them as people and not have to worry about any of those – “Is he / she the one?” “Do our future plans mesh?” – concerns.

Back to the point.

Why is a thick skin necessary? Well, when I’m dealing with some of the above examples; I still occasionally feel vulnerable as a single gal. When someone expresses interest and then pulls away without an explanation, it can leave me feeling confused, rejected, and sometimes really, really lame and desperate. I have to remind myself that things change, and can do on a dime. While my situation is solid and simple – though it may seem complicated to an outsider – other people’s situations can change like the tide. As I wrote about in part of my Realizations Series, it’s important to remember that most of the time when things evolve, it has absolutely nothing to do with you, and probably a lot more to do with them.

My husband has been the unfortunate victim of lots of bad timing. Girls he’s dated have suddenly found “the one”, or have decided they didn’t want to be dating someone who was dating other people. It sucks to have timing against you, but at least he was able to enjoy his time with those people while it happened, and that’s a great example of how beneficial a thick skin can be.

I definitely wasn’t as tough as I am now, when we first opened up. Being in a long term monogamous relationship for 6 years; I was easily affected by some of the bad shit that went down in the first 8 months or so, as I just wasn’t used to the concept of “being single”  (translation; being potentially dumped) again. Truth be told, I never really did single well, so much of my dating experience, outside of college flings, has happened since being open. I guess you could say I’m a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to dating confidence, and even know it can sometimes waiver when I’m trying to deal with things sometimes changing from week to week, day to day.

All that out of the way, there’s definitely something to be said for dating open / polyamorous people who are not single as they just *get it* in a way that perhaps a single person cannot completely grasp. I am able to relax more when hanging out with the Kid because he understands just where I’m coming from, since he is in an open relationship himself and our situations are somewhat similar.

Between you and I though, it can be interesting to poke at that thick skin of mine and test what makes me bleed. It keeps me in check, and that is sometimes more necessary than I let myself believe.