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Ok. So maybe I was a little bit dramatic before. When I wrote about things ending with James/Daddy, I was sad. I was across the ocean, stuck in gloomy weather, and starting to notice that our flirty messages that I was so excited for weren’t so flirty anymore. For such an intense start, things fizzled pretty quickly, thanks to his anxiety about the whole situation. And it sucked! Despite the infidelity on his part, I thoroughly enjoy him and enjoyed our sexy time together. And calling someone Daddy, while maybe easy for other people, was a pretty huge deal for me.
When I landed back in Canada last Friday, after a week and a half away, my internet connected and all the notifications showed up on my phone. One of them was him on okCupid saying that he was shutting down the account and that basically wrapped it all up neatly, and far too quickly for me to feel welcomed home in any way, shape, or form. (The first “email” was a bit harsh but now we’re friendly and emailing each other occasionally, and that’s it, outside of hopefully lunch in the future, and it’s ok because it has to be.)
But where does that leave submissive Samantha? Well, if my past couple of years are any indication of the next chapter in my life, I’d be right back at the start. I’ve had countless examples of great things entering my life whether it’s romance or work related, but being unfortunately short-lived, so I assumed this was going to be another one for the books. And I assumed that submissive Samantha was probably going to go into hiding again, since it would be unlikely that I’d find someone else to trust to dom me anytime soon. Read more »
In Part 2 of my sinnovation review series, I take a look at the Warner’s Cheeky Panty and Unwire Bra, available now at Ohhh Canada. I’m sure you’re thinking, “But Samantha! How can there be innovation in underwear??”
Just wait! I’ll tell you, dear reader. Read more »
Recently, while filling up a grab bag of goodies at Ohhh Canada, I decided that my new next review series needed a theme, and that theme would be innovation, or sinnovation if you want to use a cheesy word, and I do. As I pondered over the many toys and accessories I could play with, my eyes led me to the Jimmyjane Hello Touch Massager. I’d seen this around and for a while dismissed it as a gimmick, and not something that I, lover of all things Hitachi, could ever actually use to get myself off.
But in the interest of science? I persevered. It’s a tough life, I tell ya’. Read more »
You know that feeling you get when you haven’t had something that you want, something that you need, in a really, really long time, and suddenly it’s in front of you, so close that you can taste it and smell it. So close that every fibre of your being is consumed with that overwhelming need to just simply have it.
That’s what it felt like to me when I first started talking to James. While it’s not an unfamiliar feeling – that sense of my body feeling electric for days on end, feeling like I would collapse if I didn’t get to meet him sooner vs. later, feeling like I couldn’t bare another second of not connecting with his body, his touch, and his commands – it’s a feeling I had not felt in a long time. While I adore Ethan and the other people I date right now, and of course my husband, it was very obvious from the very beginning that James connected with my long abandoned submissive self, from almost the very first message he sent.
*Sidenote: One of these days I’ll stop being wooed by simply, perfect dating site messages … one of these days.
Everything he said lined up with everything I’m attracted to. His compliments are genuine, his tone is perfectly stern, yet playful. I was super excited to be meeting.
Read more »
It’s been a long time since I’ve written a date recap, for many reasons. 80% of the people I’m dating or have dated aren’t super interested in having their stories up online for the world to see. Even if nobody really knows who they are, it weirds some people out, so I tend to either write about that only slightly, or not at all. I skip the details to keep everyone comfortable as I’d rather have them focused on enjoying our time together, and also because sharing details sort of weird me out a bit. I’m not a sex blogger. I’m a relationships blogger. I don’t talk about cock or pussy and what I’m doing with them usually.
But, with the addition of my new role as co-host of Tell Me Something Good, a monthly sexy storytelling slam, here in Toronto, I’m learning to become much more comfortable with sharing details of my dating life, as long as the other person is ok with it as well. (Consent is sexy!) I’m learning to share some of the sexy, juicy details, because it seems that people like to hear this stuff. And hope I can continue to get better at it and keep my lovers happy at the same time.
So, without anymore rambling, I want to tell you about my NSFW date the other day with James / Daddy. I’ve decided to call him James because he is my James Deen. Cute, handsome, funny, dorky, but with a wonderful understanding of how to play with power exchange in a way that makes me melt. It’s unfortunately quite possible that we won’t have any more play time as he’s evaluating everything in his life right now, and seeing if that will fit. It would be an understatement for me to say that I hope it does continue because I can’t even deal with how sexy he makes me feel and how sad I would be to lose that intimate connection with him so quickly after finding it and finding my place as a submissive girl once more.
Look away if you don’t like stories about cocks in throat. This is not your normal Samantha “relationship advice” blog post. Read more »
It’s not hard to go back to a more vanilla life. It’s not hard to have wonderful sex with your husband that still fulfills you in so many ways, even if it’s not kinky. It’s not hard to have to ask lovers to be choked, to have your hair pulled, or to be smacked around.
It’s not hard to accept that your lover is calling you a good girl, or telling you that you should cum for them, mainly because they know that you like it. And you liking things gets them off, even if it’s not really their normal go-to activity in bed.
It’s not hard to live with less kink, less surrender, less power exchange. Life goes on. Kinky relationships can turn from lovers into friends. My intimacy level with Harvey is nowhere near what it used to be, but I’m still so grateful for those approximately 6 years and how he started me on my submissive discovery and sexual awakening. The same goes for my other kinky relationships. They were great while they lasted, and then they stopped, and that’s ok. Read more »
While searching tonight for dirty photos of myself to put on my new pr0n Twitter … yes, that’s a thing … I’ve found myself getting a little lost in old emails / screenshots from exes of the past. Yes, I save this stuff. I know I probably shouldn’t; I know that my “memory” should serve me well enough, but it doesn’t. And, truth be told, I like having records of things. Even if the relationships ended – sometimes in flames – I like to know that I have those words, those images, those exchanges, saved somewhere.
Even if, yes, they make me sad when I look at them. Even if they put me in a sort of nostalgic, melancholy, floaty, and weird mood. Even if they make me momentarily full of regret and pangs of wanting to reach out to tell them how much I love(d) them and how I wish we didn’t lose touch and how much they meant to me, even if they or I or both of us acted dickishly.
Even IF they make me cry.
Tonight, while searching for those pictures as I mentioned, of course I stopped into an old folder on my external drive. It’s where I store all those photos of people from my past: photos they’ve sent me, photos they took of me, photos I took of them, photos of things we liked, and in later years, screenshots of some of my favourite texting moments. Because I’m a hopeless, idiotic, sentimental romantic, ok? Read more »
At times when I haven’t written in a while, like now, I find the thought of posting something again slightly overwhelming. Everything has to have a purpose or a point, and instead of just letting myself write and the words flow, I have to write about a specific topic. At the moment I have a list of three topics that I want to write lovely, entertaining, and hopefully informative posts about. But as I sit here with the blank screen in front of me, and my fingers just waiting for further instruction, I realize that I need to get out of that structure and just write.
I’m sometimes afraid to just write because then you’ll really know what I’m thinking. This site used to be my go to, my safe space for just sharing my inner demons; now that spot has gone to Twitter where, although you can always scroll back and see everything I’ve said, thoughts still pass by in a sort of flash. What I’m feeling now won’t be what I’m feeling in an hour, and that’s made evident instantly. When I write here, there’s much more permanence, and when I don’t have a point, well it’s embarrassing.
Like tonight, I don’t have a point, but I needed to be here. I needed to tell you about the frustrations I’m currently feeling. Like I’m on the cusp of a few great things, and some potential awesome relationships, but everything is taking longer than it should. I don’t want to blog about it because then it’ll be the only thing I’m thinking. And it’s not. It’s just what I’m thinking right now. Gosh, if I only felt one emotion during the day, I’m not sure how I’d deal with it. Anyway, I digress.
Back to the frustrations. Some people are missing in action which has me feeling like I am less significant to them than they to me; some are returning that I’m not sure about; some are revealing sides of themselves that weren’t in the initial offering, and at the end of the day I’m finding my patience wearing thin. I know that life has its ups and downs, and that I can’t expect everything to go from the black hole that was last year to super fantastic awesome town, but sheesh, could we just pick up the pace a little?
I’m always the person to try and make plans with others as much as possible. When I like a person, especially a lover, I want to see them as much as I can. Everyone’s got their boundaries though, and hey, I respect that, but even my undying optimism can take a beating at times when it seems that I’m always the one asking or poking or suggesting times / places / activities. I probably set myself up by always being the person though; the other person doesn’t need to try because it’s inevitable that I will always (even when I flat out say that I won’t!).
I’d like to think that I’m a pretty simple person to know. If I like you, I’ll tell you, and I’ll do things to help you feel happy. I’ll try and hang out with you as much as we both have time for, and I’ll respect your boundaries around everything – I’ve learned to ask about these much better than I used to.
I just don’t get why it’s so hard. Like let’s do something or let’s not. It’s ok if you don’t want to. Just say so. Or tell me what your expectations are in case they don’t line up with mine. Because it’s possibly they don’t, and that’s fine, as long as I know. But fuck am I tired of waiting. I’m tired of chasing romance and fucked up people. Just. Get. Your. Shit. Together.
And then give me a call, because I’m a foolish optimist who still likes you even when my besties tell me that I shouldn’t. I’ll probably be here. And I’ll probably kiss your face if you’ll let me.
Since 2012, my birthday has always been marked by bum smacks. At every birthday party I have, the faithful and heavy dark wood paddle that I bought at Playground 2011 comes out. It’s definitely a beast and it can leave some beastly bum bruises, that I’ve always been quite proud of.
And then I got the news that I’m not allowed any “contact sports” for at least three months after my pulmonary embolisms were discovered. Which of course, to me, means no kinky stuff. Not that my life is really kinky at all lately (sadface), but this even meant that birthday smacks were off the table.
So what’s a girl to do when she can’t show off her bruises from 34 paddle smacks? (One for every year of being fabulous, of course.) Well, she notices that Ohhh Canada has a lovely selection of less intense paddles that may just work perfectly for her needs. Like this one from Sportsheets.
It’s beautiful, simple, and just what I need. The three star design automatically attracts me because I love stars (??), but it’s also light and makes a great slappy sound when you smack it. It’s fun to use softly, can be used with more force if you like – not for me though; have to avoid those darn bruises that might clot – and it’s also pretty to look at.
The only thing I wish was different is that the pink layer underneath wasn’t made of paper, and a fabric instead. But perhaps that’s what gives it the wonderful slappy sound, and obviously they wouldn’t be using paper if it would break.
If you’re looking for a less thuddy paddle, and want something fun, sassy, and light, buy this one.
ALSO IT’S SOOOOO PRETTY.
Get yours from Ohhh Canada on-line or in-store for only $26.99!
Falling in love gets me into trouble. I tend to fall for people who are great at describing situations I want to be involved in, but not so great at making those situations a reality. I’ve told myself that I’m cool with just casual things now, that my heart went through enough last year, so just keep everything light and easy, sexy and fun. Maybe it’s that I’m just starting to realize the availability of the guys I’m seeing, or maybe it’s something deeper. As much as I like them both separately, I feel a little lost without being in that external relationship that comes with a side of text message swooning, Facebook constant chatter, or gChat compliments.
I had that with The Boy, and while I’ve learned not to miss him (or at least to say that I don’t in a blog post because it helps me convince myself that I don’t — lies), I do miss that. I miss someone being a hopeless romantic with me and sending me song lyrics that reminded them of me. Steph and I are romantic in our own beautifully consistent cute, married ways, and don’t get me wrong, they are wonderful … but I miss external mutual swooning. I miss New Relationship Energy that goes on for months. And I miss feeling like my other partners and I are meeting for hours in our daydreams, holding hands on amazing adventures, while we’re both actually just taking an “eyes-closed 10 second pause” from our tasks at work.
I really like one of the new boys I’m seeing in particular, ok both really but he’s been around the longest. He makes me pretty swoony when we’re actually talking (which isn’t nearly as much as I’d like), because he’s handsome and dorky and straight-forward and funny and absolutely lovely (sexy too, and a great lover). But while he’s sweet and lovely and makes me feel all sorts of ways, I don’t get the impression that he has any interest in going too far into romance with me. I could be wrong; maybe he wants it in very different ways than I’m used to. A month and a half of dating in my last relationship meant that we’d been talking as much as most people do in 8 months. A month and a half of seeing someone now means that we’ve only had 3 dates and don’t really know much about each other. It’s not territory I’m used to treading.
It’s probably safer, I suppose. All of my in-depth relationships have ended in flames. Casual dating means safety from flames, right? Casual dating means I can keep my head screwed on tight and my heart in one piece.
So how come I still want to play with those romantic knives so badly?