Not Your Mother’s Playground

I know that post about Kitty was all sunshine and roses but this one’s going to be a reminder that every rose has its thorn. Even though Steph and I have been doing this open marriage shtick for over 3 years now, we still have things to learn, like the following story will share.

While I was away visiting my lovely friend Kitty, Steph was spending the night at the Drapers. This is pretty common, we ARE always there. and it often feels weird to not be there! While I was super excited to be spending my night away, of course I was also totally envious that he got to be with them.

The night before I left as Steph and I were brushing our teeth we were joking about the possibility of an MMF threesome with he and the Drapers. Considering that it had been a bit of a – pardon the pun – dry summer and there had been no group nudity to speak of in a few months, we really didn’t think anything would happen that involved one naked lady and two naked dudes. In the interest of covering all our bases though, I still wanted to suggest to him that if there was going to be some brewhaha happening that it was only fair that I would get a turn when back in town myself. Or at least a raincheque.

God, I miss Swingtown ...

Now in reality, Steph has always been uncomfortable with the idea of MMF’s. He didn’t grow up playing sports so he missed the whole ‘nude team in the change room’ thing. He’s never really been touchy feely with men, not working in an industry that required him to shake too many hands, so the naked man in the room with him idea while being naked and sexy, never really caught on as hot with him. It’s not that he he’s homophobic one bit, but the idea of it still freaks him out.

We’d talked about it extensively. Having an MMF has always been one of my biggest fantasies, and I still have yet to really have one. I’ve never really cared about whether the men involved are straight or bi. I don’t need them to touch, kiss or hold hands, but the idea of being with two guys that are so comfortable and confident in their own skin is an incredible turn-on. Confidence makes me weak in the knees.

Yet he has always said “I can’t.” What I wouldn’t have given for an “I’ll try.” or a “We’ll see.” but always the answer I got was such a rejection of the idea, that “I can’t.” and MMF with my husband became somewhat synonymous.

After hearing that enough over the years I started wishing it would happen with other lovers and not him. The idea of an MMF with Steph stopped being present in my mind kind of a long time ago. Even after a spring time fourway with the Drapers, I still wasn’t convinced that it would happen with Steph because fourways with others in the past hadn’t changed the situation or his view on it.

So when we stood in the bathroom and lightheartedly discussed the idea; no matter how comfortable he is with Don, I really did not believe it would happen. Nor, I think, did he at that moment, not knowing how much booze would be consumed the next night!

Fast forward now to me coming home from visiting Kitty. Majorly hungover and feeling exhausted after going to sleep at 5:30 am, then driving home 2 hours and stopping on the way to visit my old college roommates. The last thing I was expecting when meeting Steph at the Drapers was news of them all getting it on.

After being home (I call it that ‘cos we’re there so much it feels like it!) for about five minutes, one of them made a joking reference about something that had happened the night before and I caught the vibe that more was going on than was being discussed. My gaze went straight to Steph and he sat there with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. Honestly it made me feel ill. I’ve seen that grin before when he’s scored with a lady unexpectedly and every time I’ve seen it, he’s handled the transference of information badly, so I knew something was up. I went straight to Don to ask for some clarity, and he also offered me nothing. Now I think that everyone had at least a tiny bit of responsibility regarding getting me in the loop fast but I can definitely forgive the Drapers as they’re not married to me and are allowed an embarrassment delay.

However … Steph IS married to me, and here’s where the point to my random story comes in. Rather than filling me in on what happened the night before while the Drapers left the room for a bit, I got nothing. Rather than asking me if I was ok with it, I had to tell him how I was feeling instead. Don’t get me wrong, I was / am definitely overjoyed that the three of them shared that experience. Compersion in this situation is alive and kicking. I liked that the Drapers were able to insert a little spice into their marriage and that they were able to get drunk and let loose and that my husband was involved.

That doesn’t mean though that just because I felt all of those happy things that something like this was an instantly easy pill to swallow. I was envious and sad that I missed out and also instantly insecure. Nothing spicy had happened between the four of us for quite some time – we used to be a lot saucier, looking back – so when I realized that I went out of town and suddenly sparks flew without me around I became incredibly insecure.

Really though, there’s not much that anyone else could do to help me deal with this stuff. Since then Betty and I have talked and she’s made me feel more than sure that I wasn’t the problem, which is great, but that doesn’t change what Steph should have done at that moment. When his wife walks in and she’s not in the loop, his immediate responsibilities are to tell me what happened and make sure I’m ok, as I would make sure to do with him. It’s something that he and I have talked about and agreed upon for years, and when it didn’t happen, he really hurt my feelings.

I needed to feel safe and important as I processed, because though I talk about sex all the time, this was still something new that I’d never dealt with. When he didn’t ask how I felt with all of it, I felt like an outsider and a fool. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to feel anything besides happy with the situation which is ridiculous . No matter how turned on and happy it made me, I still had to process the fact that after years of saying “I can’t”, my husband had just had an MMF without me, and that it took place while I was out of town when nothing had happened with me there for months.

I think it’s important to try and train our brains to get used to the ideas of things happening that might make us uncomfortable but when there is more going on behind the scenes – like a lack of “I’ll try” and a heavy dose of “I can’t” – it’s often easier said than done.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you’re feeling insecure. Saying so doesn’t mean that it’s another persons’ responsibility to ‘fix you’ but instead that you’re putting yourself out there, asking for love and guidance to help you feel safe.

That’s exactly what I needed from Steph that day. To let me own my envy and my insecurities but to do his best to offer reassurance and honesty. Instead I received a lot of avoidance on his part because he knew that I felt weird about it. Rather than ask if I was ok, he chose not to because he didn’t want to hear that I wasn’t. It wasn’t anyone’s fault that I was feeling kind of off, nor was I not allowed to feel whatever I was feeling.

The following week was filled with a lot of discussions between Steph and I. It took a little longer to get over the hurt than I was anticipating and eventually I worked out that the “I can’t” attitude was really affecting me. He admitted that it was easier to do it without me in the room, which, while it hurt my feelings, I could understand – kind of. I guess years of perceived expectations made him nervous, but he agrees that it would have been good to discuss this along the way instead of after the fact. The main lesson that we learned from all of this is the following, probably obvious logic.

If you’re going to have your cake and eat it too while your partner isn’t around, you need to remember to clean up after yourself. Crumbs aren’t fun for anyone. Take care of each other.