 NYMP is here to make open relationships easier to understand for anyone. Read it. Question it. Do what feels good to you. 
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This made me laugh and perhaps if I wasn’t 51% enemy with this fella I’d give him a chance.
Steph just looked at me and asked “Do you think we should move the couch over? It’s covering up the vent.” I replied: “Nah, I think it’s ok?” He replied, in a snarky, condescending voice: “Well that’s the only vent on this floor so keeping it covered doesn’t make any sense. Right?” To which I then replied … suddenly being hit over the head with a realization bat: “Listen. You obviously think it makes more sense to move the couch a few inches off the vent, so why don’t you just go ahead and do that? *I* would do that, and I wouldn’t ask you. It’s not fair that you ask me, having already made up your mind and then when I don’t answer like you want, you talk to me like I’m a big idiot. If you want to do something, do it! Not everything needs to flow through me. That is not cool!” He looked at me, and without blinking … “You’re right. That’s totally not fair.” And suddenly a huge issue in our relationship has been recognized by both of us. The onus is always on me to make a decision, big or small and that’s super annoying. I make enough decisions all the time and he doesn’t have to agree with mine, so I shouldn’t have to always agree with his, but who knows … maybe I will if he gives me a chance. And y’know what … moving the couch over is actually a good idea. I just needed 30 seconds to think about it. Hey all, I’ve been on holiday for a while, but now I’m back in full force, looking for your help. This week I’m working on my publishing proposal. What I want to include is why my book “Not Your Mother’s Playground: A Guide to Open Relationship for Modern Folk” is going to be relevant. Do you want to read it? Do you like the angle of a guide book with personal stories included? (It’s really a more detailed version of this blog, in case you’re wondering.) If you have anything positive that I can include in my proposal, even if it’s just a “Can’t wait to read it!”, please leave it in the comments on this post. Thanks so much! Something I’ve realized lately: I don’t want to be anyone’s escape relationship. It makes me feel icky and kinda’ sad. In 2007 when I was dating the sous-chef, I know now that he was a total escape for me. Only 8 months into being open, Steph and I didn’t really know what we were doing – as only experience can bring complete knowledge – so rather than talking about some issues, or even knowing they existed, I threw myself head first into my secondary relationship, which eventually scared him off. WAY off. Thinking about it now I totally get the chef’s side. Knowing that someone enjoys being with me because we’re “easy” isn’t enough. I want to know that I’m awesome to them just as I am, not when held up against current or past relationships. Comparison is natural, we all do it, but I’m a big advocate of enjoying something for what it is, not because it is what something else isn’t. I completely understand comparison dating. Non-monogamy allows us to find people that might be different then our current partner, should we have one. Husband doesn’t spank you? Find someone that does. Girlfriend won’t go to the game with you? Find someone that does. Enjoy them for what they bring to you, but don’t treat them as your escape route because when the other person can see through it; well it’s just not very fun to be a parachute. It’s true. Relationships ARE hard … um, yo. It doesn’t matter if you’re dating or married or long-distance, dealing with another person (or people) while trying to live one life together with different personalities can be really, really challenging. Whether you love/fuck other people or remain monogamous, the grass can often appear so much greener on any other side compared to the one you’re on. But is it really?
Think back to the last time you sat next to a stranger on a plane and started up a conversation. What did you talk about? Was it minor chitchat—small talk about the weather or the in-flight movie? Or did you dig deeper, into problems you were having with your fiancé’s family or a sticky situation at work? Which type of conversation do you think would be linked to your happiness? It has been a busy week and a half for Steph and I. On Sunday, May 30th we did an extra bit of filming for the documentary on modern marriage that we’re going to be in, I believe airing on CBC’s Doc Zone (next year sometime?), and last night we were interviewed for local sex show, Sex Matters.
I always fool myself into thinking that after the last epic conversation that Steph and I have, there won’t be anymore. And every time I do that, I’m wrong. Last weeks’ chat was a big one, and the focus was on sharing. Not of lovers, or bathroom time, but of our thoughts; what we’re thinking at any given moment. Over the years of being open I’ve found myself drawn to people who comment on the things they observe in life. Sometimes, like Don, they have amazing powers of observation and memory retention – (though I’m sure not always in his home life!!) and make me feel on top of the world by saying something they’ve noticed, or intuitively knowing the next move. Read more »
Yes, that’s soon what I will be saying as June 2nd is my last official day at Interactive Ontario. 8 months ago I would have been over the moon to be leaving, regardless of having any other plans, but now this departure is bitter sweet. The organization has improved, and I have realized where my talents in event management / design and general awesomeness lie. Contrary to what I thought I would ever say though I am now open to working part-time with IO to do design / event management work in the future, or even occasionally while I’m doing other stuff, but for now? It’s time to follow my passion. What is that passion? To finish writing Not Your Mother’s Playground: A Guide to Open Relationships for Everyday Folk. I’m about 140 pages in and have about 160 to go. As of right now, I don’t have a publisher, but I’m really hoping that as soon as I finish my publishing package (thanks Jenny Block for recommendations on how to complete this), I’ll be on my way to a book in hand. (And hopefully book signings with you lovely folk!!) Why am I leaving a full time job to write a book?? Well, it’s been something I’ve wanted to pursue for so long. This thing has been in the works for over two years but I’ve been so mentally exhausted so often at my job that I haven’t been able to devote the writing, research and interviewing time to it that it so rightly deserves. The point of the book is to guide regular people through not only open relationships, but regular ones as well. Using my personal relationship as an example (along with interviews with other couples), it’s meant to be a “Pick up and play” type book that anyone can read and gain insight from. My inspiration originally came from first opening up, almost 4 years ago, and discovering that all of the books out there, like The Ethical Slut, didn’t really speak to the modern couple / single exploring polyamory. They were written for hippies and people that believed that life is all flowers and bunnies, which is not the angle I’m taking. I’m writing about things that you’ve probably seen in the blog. How not sending a text message can fuck things up. How breakups can go very badly. And also how things can be super awesome the very next day. Somehow Steph and I have made this work, and I want to share my experiences, not as an expert, but as a kindred spirit traveling the same journey that many of you are on. The other books I HAVE read and love include Jenny Block’s: Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage and of course Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. I love both of these books and the women behind them are great souls who have been ever so kind to me on my journey. Jenny’s book reads as a biography with some tips and guide pieces thrown into it, and Tristan’s book is an excellent compliment featuring hundreds of interviews and in-depth discussions with couples exploring their own versions of open relationships. Not Your Mother’s Playground is going to find itself somewhere in the middle. I want to tell my story to make the words that I write relevant, but I also want to take time this summer and get YOUR story which is why you should look for my calls for submissions that will be coming out! Leaving my job allows me to spend more time discussing not only my story but yours as well, and I hope you’ll join me on this journey. EAVB_ZILOAFZNXY In addition to the book writing, I’m also looking into planning a sex and relationship conference in early summer of 2011. Event planning is an absolute passion of mine, and I’ll go as far to say I rocked the shit out of www.inplay2010.com the last couple of days. I want this event to be more than just a polyamory convention, or a sex show. I want great minds to come together and discuss modern communication, marriage, dating, swinging, kink, polyamory and so much more. A conference that invites all in and doesn’t focus on one specific type of relationship / sexual practice. So … in a nutshell, that’s what’s up with me. I hope you’re as excited to read the book as I am to share it with you. If you happen to know a publisher that you can hook me up with? I’ll never say no to that offer. And if you’d like to contribute to either NYMP, the book or the conference next year (currently unnamed), you can email me at frasersamantha@gmail.com. Kisses, hugs & licks.
It’s been a while since I turned the mirror on myself for a little self-examination and I think I’m overdue so here goes. Most of you already know. I’ve been in an open marriage for 3.5 years and it probably saved my relationship, or at the very least saved from a life of denying that I was unhappy when it truth I must have been when I think of how ridiculously happy I am now. (I mean it only makes sense!) Read more » |
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