I am not an expert.

Posted on November 23, 2009 by samantha

Recently I’ve gotten a lot of varied feedback about my online presence. Sharing a lot of your life with the web leaves you open to input, good and bad, something I knew when starting this site at a friends’ suggestion:

Hey! You should start a blog!

Yes. It was that simple and un-thought out.

I don’t think that I am the be all and end all of polyamory / non-monogamy advice on the internet. In fact, I know and admire many other writers in the U.S. and across Canada that can do it perhaps better, or with more grace. I disagree 100 % with Steph’s ex who in one of her many recent oh-so-hateful emails said that I see myself as the ‘epitome of open relationship knowledge’ because I am SO not.

It just so happens that I know what works and what doesn’t work, for me. It’s my blog, after all. Sure I call it a guide, just like the book that I’m writing is also a guide, but lots of people write those based on their research and experience. When people commend me on my bravery for sharing my stories online I appreciate it, but I still don’t get the big deal. I mean I DO get it, it’s not that common, but it seems to me that it should be which is why it’s sometimes weird to get recognition for it. (I think there’s a chance I live on another dimension). Note, this isn’t me fishing for compliments. I am very lucky in that I’ve heard so many of them over the past few years. I’ve also heard many insults because when you expose yourself to so many people you invite criticism in. Such is the life I have chosen for myself.

Knowing that people read and enjoy my blog, I will admit, makes me happy. On the times when I’m not just verbally diarrhea-ing all over this site, I do try to put some thought into it. Sometimes blog posts take me days and days to write. Something which drives me crazy to no end and I’m working on changing. (If it takes that long to blog, how can I EVER expect to finish the book!?) I try to have my stories show both sides to make them more relatable for you, my curious readers. At the very least you can see that someone else is going through some of the same trials and tribulations that you are. Or that people in open relationships can be pretty normal (ish). I share my name and my life because it doesn’t make any sense to me not to. Where it came from, I don’t know as my mum is a pretty private person and my dad and I were never close enough while he was alive for me to determine how much he shared with the world and how much he kept close to his chest.

I share because I don’t know any other way. There’s a lovely guy on okC who’s recently read my blog from start to finish. He says he has a crush on me for my honesty and I’m flattered. Though when I’m on dates, that honesty makes me ramble like an absolute idiot, like when I went out recently on a first date with a new gal.

At the end of the day, I’m flattered to have helped some of you. As a relationship coach, I believe it’s not my purpose to be an expert on everything. I should be able to help others reach their potential if they want to, and hopefully NYMP is able to do that. But really, I’m just a girl like any other.

Me being very just a girl with smeared makeup and a messy bedroom.

I burp, I fart, I make mistakes. I forget my friends’ birthdays to make drink plans with others (sorry Tara!). I don’t put away my laundry and sometimes I blank out at work. I strive to be a great friend but sometimes I can be the worst. I have such a strong fear of rejection that I don’t know how to flirt with people I haven’t met online, or deal with friends when things become unfamiliar. Sometimes, I totally suck at polyamory and have no concept of how to follow my own advice. I’ve done bad things under the influence of hormones and dating intoxication that have hurt people. I watch porn and sometimes sneak orgasms without my husband around because I want to be lost in a daydream about someone else. I can be selfish and self absorbed or want things for myself that I have a hard time with Steph having. I’ve been friends with / dating a man whose wife doesn’t know I exist for almost three years. There are moments I expect the world to lay down at my feet, and other times I expect no one to notice me and wonder why they would. I suck big donkey balls when it comes to returning emails. I get embarrassed when people consider me a (very very minor) online celebrity or tell me that they read my blog even though that’s partially the point of this entire operation. I am sorry when I hurt people and it haunts me for a long, long time though I forgive those that hurt me far too easily.

In short, I am not an expert. My name is Samantha and I can’t be bothered to use a paper diary anymore so I type things here and hope they amuse you at least a little.

And if they don’t, I have to ask … Why’d you read so far??

Follow me on Twitter.

Filed under: Jealousy, Open relationships, Opinion, Photo, Polyamory, Self, Self esteem | Leave a Comment »

Realization: My own practical demons

Posted on November 17, 2009 by samantha

Since writing the post ‘Realizations: I Just Wanna’ Have Fun’ I’ve realized something. Where Steph has often cited cost and practicality for reasons that we don’t try new things, events, places, etc. … I’ve always – in my own mind – cited the need for sleep as a reason not to fuck.

And as much as I love getting some real sleep, especially since I often have so much trouble getting it, that’s just a dumb way to be says I.

I’d happily stay up all night with Kitty, Don or Betty, Don AND Betty as we’ve done before in the past, and then the next day be exhausted and in pain but oh boy am I happy! That should occasionally trickle over into my marriage, shouldn’t it?? Sure it won’t happen all the time and we will occasionally cite the need to sleep as a reason to wait because, well fuck … we’re married, not newlyweds, but the grand hammer of “Go to sleep, you can always fuck tomorrow.” needs to put itself back in the shed occasionally and let us go ahead and get the fuck on.

Like the other day when we didn’t get home until around 2:15 but didn’t go to sleep until 3:30. We may have been sleepy the next day but it was definitely worth it.

In conclusion; a message for Practicality. Go find another house to bore … sometimes.

Filed under: Double standards, Issues, Marriage, Open relationships, Realizations Series, Sex, Sexuality | 2 Comments »

Stuck in Christmas purgatory

Posted on November 16, 2009 by samantha

On Sunday we made plans to go to the Santa Claus Parade with friends for something to do. Now normally I’m anti parade. I hate that it happens so early – November 15th? – but it makes sense as it’s cold in December and it’s a kick off to the gift buying season. (Another thing I think is kinda’ lame). We went anyway, because doing things with different people can often give you an entirely different perspective on things.

Steph and I got there first and made our way around the corner to Bathurst and Bloor. In hindsight it probably wasn’t the best place to stand as we were close to the subway exit, causing the pathway to be basically non-existent behind us. There was no way that friends would be able to get us, never mind find a place to stand. But as we had some time to kill before they arrived, we waited and tried to enjoy what we could see of the crazy spectacle, otherwise known as the parade.

And the holiday spirit came out in full force, not disappointing within minutes.

Screen shot 2009-11-16 at 10.09.53 AM

Nothing says Christmas like Crotch Clowns

In front of us for a few rows were families of all colors. Cameras in hand, children waving at whatever weird creature was coming down the street at them next. Behind us? Pure hell. People pushing and yelling, blaming one another for the line not moving. One girl couldn’t breathe, was having a panic attack and burst into tears. “Why aren’t they moooooving?” she was howling. (Of course, people stopped walking on the pathway and thought it to be a good place to stand.” Another woman two people behind her flipping out that no one is making the line move, almost ready to punch and kick I’m sure. Everyone around her telling her to calm down.

A dude turns around to a strange woman saying “Listen if you push me ONE more time … ” to which she replies “Oh, I’m gonna’.”

And my favorite, the seemingly drunk at noon (or very hungover) hipster who was going on about how Santa wasn’t real, how it was the worst day of his life, how he just needed to cross the street to pay the bartender and meet his friends and how he didn’t even have any kids.

… “but I might.”

Happy Holidays indeed.

Filed under: Children | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

I’m all for spontaneity …

Posted on November 14, 2009 by samantha

… but sometimes I think it’s a good idea to schedule things in your life that you wouldn’t normally. Like fights and sex.

After an exhausting, emotional yesterday there was no way I was opening my legs. I wasn’t interested but I knew I would be Saturday morning. There’s something about lazing around on a Saturday in bed that turns me on. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have to rush around and can focus on daydreams … who knows, I don’t question it.

Knowing that we had agreed to fuck in the morning made it happen. Planning for sex can make it feel like a chore, if you let it but sometimes it can be exactly what you need to get moving when you’ve been in a rut for a while.

Leaving it up to chance in a long term relationship can cause the tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow syndrome I mentioned in my last post. You feel like you always have the option to have sex so you make it easier to put off.

So why not agree to put it in the calendar. I know, it’s a little magazine advice-y of me, but hey … it can work. Sex is an important thing that most couples need, but it can easily be neglected. We can hang around thinking it’s the other persons’ turn to initiate, resenting them for not … or we can make plans together and acknowledge that it’s something that we BOTH need and enjoy.

It doesn’t have to be set in stone, but when you put each other on your to-do list it can be a lot of fun crossing it off.

Filed under: Sex | Leave a Comment »

Realizations – I just wanna’ have fun

Posted on November 13, 2009 by samantha

I have a personal rule that I try to follow as much as possible. I don’t like to blog when I’m angry or emotional. I know I’ve done it in the past, but I highly prefer not because then I hit you folks with emotional diarrhea and I embarrass myself on the off chance that I come back and read over what I’ve posted.

But … today sucked. And I can’t hide the fact that it sucked, and I’m having trouble saying any words out loud. I’ve barely said anything all day but I firmly believe that I still have a quota of sentences that I have to release so typing is how they’re coming out today.

It’s Friday the 13th and the day started off pretty dumb, but then just got progressively worse. I’m feeling really lost and dumb as a post at work lately, making fuck ups left and right and not grasping concepts with work I’ve never done, but still … I should be able to grasp. I know it’s a means to an end, but I’m letting it effect me substantially and it’s hella’ depressing. That alone was enough to ruin my day until I started thinking about something that’s come up recently.

Steph and I both went on lovely first dates the other night with girls from okCupid. (More on my lovely date later.) When I got home, we didn’t really talk about it. For some reason I’ve always been defensive immediately and haven’t wanted to hear anything about his dates – something I’ve been trying to figure out for a long time. He also doesn’t tell me much, thinking that I’m going to have a problem – more on this in my next post. Anyway, so after I get over that, we talk and I hear more about her. She lives up the road – which immediately I find to be a combo deal. That’s half really great, easy, convenient; I’m envious yeah, but whatevs. And then the other half is that it’s too close. Too easy to visit, too easy to spend way too much with her – if things were to get that far, of course. I’m lucky because Steph realized that half before I did and expressed similar anxiety which made me feel much better.

Eventually we ended up having a relationship conversation. One that was definitely very overdue and started very innocently. While telling me about the date, with adorable, cute enthusiasm – which I absolutely cannot knock because I’m so proud of him for becoming so comfortable with meeting people when he used to dread it – he said that it was cool that we could learn about the neighborhood from someone who lives in it.

This is where my feelings changed. We’ve lived in the neighborhood for five years. There’s quite a few places we have visited and quite a lot more that we haven’t. It’s easy to fall into a rut when you’re living anywhere. You stick to the same places based on your schedule, your preferences, whatever. But something I know very well is how much Steph has always been pretty negative about new things. Trust me, the man has gotten SO much better, but he is always the first one to “put the brakes” on something new whereas I’m often up for anything.

So why did it irk me when he said what he said? Well I suddenly realized one of the reasons I’ve often been uncomfortable with him dating other people. Keep in mind that this is a few years worth of buildup and I’ve only just articulated it. So many times I’ve suggested doing something fun, something that he and I can share as an experience together. Whether it’s try a new restaurant up the road, or a night out, we’re supposed to be partners and best friends – makes sense to do fun things together. Citing cost and practicality he’ll often reject the idea, not realizing that by doing so I feel he’s rejecting me. Of course he’s allowed to not want to do the same things as I am, he’s his own person sure. If it’s something like going to the grocery store – something we have to do – of course he’ll go, but anything “fun” that we haven’t done before (or sometimes things we have done) he’ll say no to, and not always because he’s opposed to it, just because he’s basically being lazy. So when he tells me excitedly that we can learn about the neighborhood from this new chick, I suddenly realized how I’ve felt rejected for years.

I get cost and practicality. Dates get enthusiasm and agreeance.

She gets it!

The “shiny and new” syndrome doesn’t just affect going out in relationships. It can affect how we relate, how your sex life at home is vs. your sex with other people. It’s easy to do new things with new people. There’s less expectations and less history to base judgments off of. It’s also easier to try something new that you’ve wanted to for a while because someone else is there to motivate you. What’s happened to us is that over the years I’ve stopped trying as much. I’ve adapted my idea of fun to fit my situation. I’ve gotten very good at convincing myself that certain things are in my past and that’s why we don’t do them when the truth might be that Steph just says no so much that I’ve given up.

The problem I face now is suddenly my heart is filling with resentment. That’s totally my emotion and I own it, but that doesn’t currently make it any easier to deal with. I feel like I’ve been cheated out of fun for years. Or that I’m somehow not worth having fun with and it’s left me feeling very insecure about it on top of a lot of other insecurities I’m feeling lately. I’m angry and sad all at once. I totally hate the idea of Steph meeting someone new but NOT because I’m opposed to him dating, but because I’ve suddenly realized all of these feelings related to something I’ve been missing out on. In addition, I think it has trickled over into our sex life. I feel like I haven’t been fucked by anything besides something I was controlling for weeks. Granted I was busy at work, got the flu, and then had a period accompanied by gross migraines, but I think the practicality has seeped into there as well.

One of the reasons why I seem to be “on” all the time when in the company of the Drapers is that I’m not around them as much as I am Steph. The opportunities to let loose and enjoy naked times over there are few and far between so even if I’m not initially feeling it, I allow myself to be constantly open to fucking so as to not let an opportunity pass. But why doesn’t that happen at home? It’s so easy at home to make excuses for not having sex, or not trying the new restaurant.

We can always do it tomorrow.

But the problem with that mentality is that there’s always another tomorrow and things get pushed and pushed and pushed. It happens to both monogamous and non-monogamous couples. The catch with non-monogamous couples is that we get to try the new things with other people, which can be a great thing – but sometimes not so much.

Like right now, I just want to feel like my husband wants to do fun things with ME. Not necessarily in place of someone else, but just as well. Go out and have fun on your dates, but then have fun with me too! It’s not such a big demand. Trust me, I can be a laugh riot, but I’ve lost my confidence with him in the bedroom and in the neighborhood. Practicality has gotten in the way so much that I don’t want to suggest anything anymore – though I still do because I’ll never really lose my enthusiasm. Honestly though, often I’d rather find someone else to go out with because it’s more likely they’ll say yes to my crazy or not so crazy schemes.

But if I do that, then we continue to both lose. I need to keep trying. I need to find things we can share together and not give up so soon. And he’s admitted that lately stress has caused him to take me for granted. He hasn’t let me in and I’ve felt it. The other day I came home with some life changing news – that I’ll share with you when I can – and he asked nothing of it. I felt embarrassed to bring it up because it seemed obvious that he wasn’t interested.

And that’s dumb of both of us. We recognize that we need to get better at this. Doesn’t that sound like a strange thing to say?

“We need to get better at having fun together.”

Whatever. There it is.

Wheeeeeeeeee!

*Addendum: We DO have a lot of fun doing a lot of stuff. Don’t get me wrong. There’s just a lot of new and different stuff that I’d like to try as well.

Filed under: Communication, Double standards, Issues, Jealousy, Love, Marriage, Monogamy, Open relationships, Polyamory, Rant, Realizations Series, Self esteem, Sex, Sexuality, dating | 3 Comments »

Working on a change

Posted on November 8, 2009 by samantha

I’m working on changing this site a teensy bit. While during my first 3 years of non-monogamy I was discovering and learning new lessons very often, that phase has slowed down a bit and now we are just living our lives.

So in order to be able to share thoughts on things that aren’t always related to polyamory, open relationships or non-monogamy, I’ve got a new header. Not Your Mothers’ Playground doesn’t just refer to how we date / swing / love in the 21st century, but it’s a reflection of the whole world we live in and how it’s a different era all around, not just in the bedroom.

This makes me feel better about writing random posts moving forward. Feel free to expect some!

Filed under: Monogamy, Open relationships, Polyamory | Leave a Comment »

Where in the world?

Posted on November 2, 2009 by samantha

I’ve definitely been MIA lately and wanted to lend some explanations for that. First of all, work was crazy for the past month or two leading up to our big conference (that went well, thank you very much – despite quite a few fires we had to put out.)

This is what I turn into when I'm MIA

So work has occupied my brain space almost completely. Though I wasn’t working crazy hours, I was so mentally worn out that if I spent any time on the computer later it was merely to update my Facebook status or tweet some random frustrated nonsense. There were a few blog posts stored up there but I had lost the ability to let my words just flow without interrupting myself to click on something dumb like Farmville or another Facebook application that would put me to sleep but take up too much time – while not even being FUN! It’s become so easy to just sit there, staring blankly using these “games” as a crutch to fill space but no more of that. I’ve deleted them all!

One of the things I wanted to share with you has to do with an email chain back and forth between Steph and the kids (our exes from last year) but I didn’t want to write anything about it while it was still going on because it wouldn’t be fair to them, us or the situation. That seems to be pretty much wrapped now – I think?? – so it will likely be a post coming soon. In that post I want to address what it’s like to have people come and go in your life when you’re poly be they friends or lovers. When I think about it, there have been quite a few people come and go in my life over the past few years, but it’s rare that I’ve felt unfulfilled.

Also, the other thing occupying what brainspace Farmville hadn’t zapped was the launching of my new website. For those of you who aren’t familiar, I am actively searching for life coaching and relationship coaching clients at www.samanthafraser.com. I haven’t wanted to blog much during the initial set up phase as I really needed to focus on the business and be sure of what I was talking about before talking to you about it randomly. Soon I’ll write some more specific information about the relationship side of my coaching and how I intend to help people achieve harmony in their relationships. (Also some great sales for the holidays and free coaching certificates!)

And finally, life hasn’t really been that exciting lately. 2009, while it’s had some great moments and we’ve solidified some life-long relationships with some very important people including the Drapers and Kitty Knievel & Co. … well, it’s been dumb. It’s been a year to learn about patience, frustration, contemplation and personal growth. It hasn’t been a year for crazy sexual discoveries or painful breakups. It’s been amazing but also highly boring. I haven’t felt very insightful as I haven’t really done anything to cause any insight.

So now I turn it over to you, dear readers. Once I get those other posts up … what do YOU want me to talk about? What have I only briefly touched upon in the past? What issues haven’t I talked about at all?

Let me know. I’m all ears … and once again … fingers.

xo

Oh and P.S. … Lately I’ve been sick which has totally gotten in the way of writing. I think flu, I think sitting at home watching movies, blogging but no. This has been bedridden, dizzy, fever town unfortunately!

Filed under: Open relationships | Leave a Comment »

Over-promise, Under-deliver

Posted on October 6, 2009 by samantha

Wait, isn’t that backwards? Sometimes though it seems perfectly normal in my household. Allow me to explain.

This past Monday Steph had a first night with a gal he met on okCupid. He hadn’t been on a first date in, hmm … a really long time; not since he met Betty I think. Anyway, we had kind of forgotten how the whole thing went, so we chatted briefly on the days leading up to him going out. He said that he wouldn’t be out late; as it was a first date, and left me with the impression that we’d play some new Wii Fit Plus together that evening.

Our experience tells us that a successful meet and greet first date, is about 3 – 4 hours. This is pretty standard for us and perhaps many people? However if Steph’s date was to go later I wouldn’t have a problem with it if I was given a heads up. Basically the way we work – and I’m not saying at ALL that this is how I think anyone else should operate – is that we keep each other in the loop when we’re out separately.

If I think that a date might go longer, I check with him first.

“Is it ok if I’m out past such and such a time?”

99% of the time – because he’s the most laid back, easy-going guy ever, Steph is super cool with me leaving my return times open-ended. There have been a few times when I’ve said I would be home at a certain time and I haven’t made it back, and he’s had every reason to be cranky with me. If we say we’re going to do something we really should do it, or at least check in and make sure it’s ok to change plans. It’s common courtesy that your partner deserves.

Look, if she can use the phone with a swim cap on ...

Look, if she can use the phone with a swim cap on ...

I was perfectly happy knowing that he was out enjoying a first date. I came home a bit late from work and after some shopping settled down to play some video games alone, which is a rare treat. Everything was fine, I was even looking forward to hearing about his date until I turned to the kitchen and saw the clock. It was 10 pm, he’d been out since 6 pm and I hadn’t heard anything. So I sent a text.

I heard nothing back.

I sent another text, and then another. Suddenly the compersion that I was feeling turned to crankiness. I couldn’t care less about how his date was going, all I cared about was that I was out of the loop. I texted Don to calm me down and vent to a boy and while it was a good distraction I was still getting crankier by the minute. When I called Steph and he didn’t answer his phone, I just got extra full of cranky. He knows that his phone sucks and that he should always have it charged when at work, and instead he let it die.

Now let me interrupt myself for a second to point out that I realize I might sound like I’m overreacting. I know I am PMSing so things are a little more annoying right now than they should be on a non PMS day. I also know that it sounds like I’m freaking out over the tiniest of details and don’t let Steph have any fun, but I hope you’ll keep reading to the end to get a better understanding of all of this.

Finally the phone rings and he’s almost home, at the bus station. When he walked in the door I was so seething with rage that I could barely talk to him. After a minute or two of awkward silence I did, and then shit went crazy. I was f’ing and blinding left and right (completely unproductive I might add), and he said some mean things that I daren’t repeat because I know how sorry he is now to have said them.

It was a terrible fight, and an even worse awkward silence after the fact. He wanted me to calm down after he’d apologized but I had to explain to him that just because he’d said he was sorry didn’t mean that everything was hunky dory for me. My heart needed time to heal so there was a bit more awkward silence.

Eventually we started to talk, and the voices weren’t so raised. Steph admitted that often times he’s so worried about doing the right thing that he sets himself up for failure. He’ll over promise that he’ll be home nice and early when he thinks I want him to be, and then his phone will die and he’ll come home late. He won’t excuse himself to find a pay phone and instead will leave me in the dark when he knows that a quick “Hey” would make me feel great and that I’d be excited for him that his date was going well. But he won’t do that, and I’ll be upset, because I take people at their word, and then we’ll fight. He admitted that he worries about making his date feel uncomfortable by getting in touch and will often worry more about them than he will me, and that’s usually where my problems lie. It will seem like I have a problem with him dating, but trust me, that is never the problem. What ends up happening however, is that I associate the dates, and unfairly the people he’s dating, with the bad behaviour on his end. This is something that I need to work on as it’s affected my views on his relationships with other people a lot in the past.

It’s very important to me – and admittedly to him as well – that the people we date understand and respect our relationship. That the things that Steph and I do while out on dates, for each other is not a problem with them. I don’t need to worry about single women that don’t like their date calling his wife to check in. This isn’t a normal dating situation where it’s rude to keep your phone on you. This is part of the package of dating us, in an open marriage. If you don’t like, move on honey! Or brother!

What Steph seems to be starting to understand is that it’s ok to leave things a bit more open ended with me as long as he checks in. He asked me last night if I would be ok with him staying out later, providing he’d let me know, as I would do for him. I said “Well how can we ever know if I’m ok with it if you don’t give me the chance to be? If you’re constantly worried about doing the wrong thing with me, you end up doing the worst things. Go out, have fun and if we haven’t made any other plans and you’ve checked in that all is copacetic? Enjoy yourself as long as you like. “

And it’s true. I want him to have fun and enjoy himself. I really enjoy feeling compersion and also having time to do my own thing, but I also trust him so much that if he says he’s going to do something or be somewhere I believe him. When that trust is broken all I’m left with is hurt feelings and annoyance and we’ve both agreed to work harder – to address the factors we both contribute – to make other first dates in the future less painful and more about the awesome.

So it may have been slightly PMS fueled on my end, and it may have been “D’oh” male on his, but what makes me happy at the end of it is that we hit rock bottom but then dug our way out so quickly, realized what was the matter, talked it through and ending up having a great rest of the night together.

Sometimes going apeshit pays off! Well, that’s what my PMS affected self is sticking with!

Filed under: Communication, Disaster, Issues, Open relationships, Sex, Stories, dating | Tagged: , | 8 Comments »

Every Cowboy Sings a Sad Sad Song (Or lessons learned from group sex, while out of the room. And town)

Posted on October 3, 2009 by samantha

I know that post about Kitty was all sunshine and roses but this one’s going to be a reminder that every rose has its thorn. Even though Steph and I have been doing this open marriage shtick for over 3 years now, we still have things to learn, like the following story will share.

While I was away visiting my lovely friend Kitty, Steph was spending the night at the Drapers. This is pretty common, we ARE always there. and it often feels weird to not be there! While I was super excited to be spending my night away, of course I was also totally envious that he got to be with them.

The night before I left as Steph and I were brushing our teeth we were joking about the possibility of an MMF threesome with he and the Drapers. Considering that it had been a bit of a – pardon the pun – dry summer and there had been no group nudity to speak of in a few months, we really didn’t think anything would happen that involved one naked lady and two naked dudes. In the interest of covering all our bases though, I still wanted to suggest to him that if there was going to be some brewhaha happening that it was only fair that I would get a turn when back in town myself. Or at least a raincheque.

Swingtown

God, I miss Swingtown ...

Now in reality, Steph has always been uncomfortable with the idea of MMF’s. He didn’t grow up playing sports so he missed the whole ‘nude team in the change room’ thing. He’s never really been touchy feely with men, not working in an industry that required him to shake too many hands, so the naked man in the room with him idea while being naked and sexy, never really caught on as hot with him. It’s not that he he’s homophobic one bit, but the idea of it still freaks him out.

We’d talked about it extensively. Having an MMF has always been one of my biggest fantasies, and I still have yet to really have one. I’ve never really cared about whether the men involved are straight or bi. I don’t need them to touch, kiss or hold hands, but the idea of being with two guys that are so comfortable and confident in their own skin is an incredible turn-on. Confidence makes me weak in the knees.

Yet he has always said “I can’t.” What I wouldn’t have given for an “I’ll try.” or a “We’ll see.” but always the answer I got was such a rejection of the idea, that “I can’t.” and MMF with my husband became somewhat synonymous.

After hearing that enough over the years I started wishing it would happen with other lovers and not him. The idea of an MMF with Steph stopped being present in my mind kind of a long time ago. Even after a spring time fourway with the Drapers, I still wasn’t convinced that it would happen with Steph because fourways with others in the past hadn’t changed the situation or his view on it.

So when we stood in the bathroom and lightheartedly discussed the idea; no matter how comfortable he is with Don, I really did not believe it would happen. Nor, I think, did he at that moment, not knowing how much booze would be consumed the next night!

Fast forward now to me coming home from visiting Kitty. Majorly hungover and feeling exhausted after going to sleep at 5:30 am, then driving home 2 hours and stopping on the way to visit my old college roommates. The last thing I was expecting when meeting Steph at the Drapers was news of them all getting it on.

After being home (I call it that ‘cos we’re there so much it feels like it!) for about five minutes, one of them made a joking reference about something that had happened the night before and I caught the vibe that more was going on than was being discussed. My gaze went straight to Steph and he sat there with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. Honestly it made me feel ill. I’ve seen that grin before when he’s scored with a lady unexpectedly and every time I’ve seen it, he’s handled the transference of information badly, so I knew something was up. I went straight to Don to ask for some clarity, and he also offered me nothing. Now I think that everyone had at least a tiny bit of responsibility regarding getting me in the loop fast but I can definitely forgive the Drapers as they’re not married to me and are allowed an embarrassment delay.

However … Steph IS married to me, and here’s where the point to my random story comes in. Rather than filling me in on what happened the night before while the Drapers left the room for a bit, I got nothing. Rather than asking me if I was ok with it, I had to tell him how I was feeling instead. Don’t get me wrong, I was / am definitely overjoyed that the three of them shared that experience. Compersion in this situation is alive and kicking. I liked that the Drapers were able to insert a little spice into their marriage and that they were able to get drunk and let loose and that my husband was involved.

That doesn’t mean though that just because I felt all of those happy things that something like this was an instantly easy pill to swallow. I was envious and sad that I missed out and also instantly insecure. Nothing spicy had happened between the four of us for quite some time – we used to be a lot saucier, looking back – so when I realized that I went out of town and suddenly sparks flew without me around I became incredibly insecure.

Really though, there’s not much that anyone else could do to help me deal with this stuff. Since then Betty and I have talked and she’s made me feel more than sure that I wasn’t the problem, which is great, but that doesn’t change what Steph should have done at that moment. When his wife walks in and she’s not in the loop, his immediate responsibilities are to tell me what happened and make sure I’m ok, as I would make sure to do with him. It’s something that he and I have talked about and agreed upon for years, and when it didn’t happen, he really hurt my feelings.

I needed to feel safe and important as I processed, because though I talk about sex all the time, this was still something new that I’d never dealt with. When he didn’t ask how I felt with all of it, I felt like an outsider and a fool. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to feel anything besides happy with the situation which is ridiculous . No matter how turned on and happy it made me, I still had to process the fact that after years of saying “I can’t”, my husband had just had an MMF without me, and that it took place while I was out of town when nothing had happened with me there for months.

I think it’s important to try and train our brains to get used to the ideas of things happening that might make us uncomfortable but when there is more going on behind the scenes – like a lack of “I’ll try” and a heavy dose of “I can’t” – it’s often easier said than done.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you’re feeling insecure. Saying so doesn’t mean that it’s another persons’ responsibility to ‘fix you’ but instead that you’re putting yourself out there, asking for love and guidance to help you feel safe.

That’s exactly what I needed from Steph that day. To let me own my envy and my insecurities but to do his best to offer reassurance and honesty. Instead I received a lot of avoidance on his part because he knew that I felt weird about it. Rather than ask if I was ok, he chose not to because he didn’t want to hear that I wasn’t. It wasn’t anyone’s fault that I was feeling kind of off, nor was I not allowed to feel whatever I was feeling.

The following week was filled with a lot of discussions between Steph and I. It took a little longer to get over the hurt than I was anticipating and eventually I worked out that the “I can’t” attitude was really affecting me. He admitted that it was easier to do it without me in the room, which, while it hurt my feelings, I could understand – kind of. I guess years of perceived expectations made him nervous, but he agrees that it would have been good to discuss this along the way instead of after the fact. The main lesson that we learned from all of this is the following, probably obvious logic.

If you’re going to have your cake and eat it too while your partner isn’t around, you need to remember to clean up after yourself. Crumbs aren’t fun for anyone. Take care of each other.

Filed under: Issues, Jealousy, Love, Marriage, Open relationships, Polyamory, Self, Self esteem, Sex, Sexuality, Stories, Swingtown | 2 Comments »

Love, pleasure, duty: Why women have sex

Posted on September 30, 2009 by samantha

(CNN) — What makes a woman want to have sex? Is it physical attraction? Love? Loneliness? Jealousy? Boredom? Painful menstrual cramps?

Many women interviewed were having sex purely because they wanted the experience.

Many women interviewed were having sex purely because they wanted the experience.

It turns out that woman have sex for all of these reasons and more, and that their choices are not arbitrary; there may be evolutionary explanations at work.

Psychologists Cindy Meston and David Buss, both professors at the University of Texas at Austin, decided that the topic of “why women have sex” deserved a book of its own. They’ve woven scientific research together with a slew of women’s voices in their new collaborative work, “Why Women Have Sex,” published September 29 by Times Books.

“We do bring in men occasionally by way of contrast, but we wanted to focus exclusively on women so that the complexity of women’s sexual psychology was not given the short shrift, so to speak,” said Buss, a leading evolutionary psychologist.

Read the rest of the article here.

Filed under: Open relationships | Leave a Comment »

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