No, I’m not talking about the Christian Slater cancelled NBC drama that I and perhaps only two other people really enjoyed (don’t judge me!). I’m referring to how sometimes being eclectic can get the best of me leaving me feeling lazy, indecisive and annoyed with myself.
I don’t relax well. That’s not to say that I can’t do it. I can plant my ass on the couch and watch six episodes of True Blood in a row just as well as the next person – not that I did that yesterday at all, pffffft – but I have a hard time with enjoying it and not feeling guilty. And then feeling guilty for feeling guilty because I know that it’s a stupid way to feel, and a waste of an emotion.
I spend a lot of time finding out about local events, things that I want to see alone, with Steph, on a date or with friends, but sometimes it seems impossible to get something organized. Steph and I are both terrible procrastinators, and it’s often hard to get him enthusiastic about things, plus lately we really have to watch our spending after I had to buy new Lappy here and take one of our kitties to the vet in an emergency.
Point is, I always feel like I should be doing something away from home. This past weekend I had grand plans to do a lot of shopping / preparation to get ready for my pin up shoot this coming Saturday and when I realized I had no money to buy the things I really didn’t need anyway I didn’t know what to do with myself. I sat around at home, did a little gardening, some suntanning, things that a lot of people really enjoy – and yet … I felt empty and lazy and embarrassed. At least I went to a party on Saturday night or else I’d feel really fucking lame. And it’s not that I think other people who lounge around are lame at all, I merely envy their ability to enjoy it. Life’s simple pleasures.
I wanted to be with people sharing conversations and experiences. Even if hanging out on a patio drinking a beer or people watching at Harborfront isn’t exercise, I feel lazy when I sit at home instead. Maybe it’s a personal trainers guilt thing, maybe I’m really conscious of the size of my belly lately (it’s staying the same size while other parts shrink slowly making it look bigger in comparison), so I’m aware of it more when I’m chilling out at home – even in our awesome backyard. At least when I’m on a patio I got out of the house, right? That counts towards not being a lazy fat slob?
It’s similar to my sex drive as of late. I can’t be bothered without prompting. I feel like there’s all these things I could / should be doing in my life, but lately I have no interest in most of them. Then when I participate in the alternatives, I feel like a lazy asshole, which is hella dumb like I can’t make peace with my own decisions. I’ve gotten very good at convincing myself why I don’t “need” to do something. I can bullshit my way out of one set of plans and into another like a master, convincing myself why option B is much better than the option A I know deep down I really wanted to do instead. It’s not that I’m not a fan of spontaneity; call me at 9:30 pm and see if I want to do something – it’s possible I’ll say yes even if I’m already in my pj’s. I’m just having a problem lately making the decision without someone else’s prompting. I’m going through a period where I’m afraid of rejection or something, so I don’t bother asking.
I really and truly am my own worst enemy.
LAME!
Filed under: Issues, Opinion, Rant, Realizations Series, Self, Self esteem, Sex | Tagged: beer, christian slater, exercise, lazy, my own worst enemy, nbc, party, patio, Sex, true blood | Leave a Comment »
